Only a few days prior, I had been driving with my children and this hymn came to my mind and I sang it to them. I had not sang, or heard this hymn for a long time, but it was commited to my memory from childhood. In hindsight, I realize God was preparing me for what I was about to go through.
The last line in the chorus kept racing through my thoughts as Gene and I drove, "Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus! Oh for grace to trust him more".
When we got close to duPont Hospital my cell phone rang. The doctor had examined Aaron and wanted to tell me what he planned to do to treat my son. The nephrologist had also examined Aaron and looked at his lab results. They wanted to put in a line and start dialysis. They wanted to do this right away and needed for me to give them verbal permission. I gave them permission to do so. I wanted Aaron to be getting treatment right away, if that is what the specialists thought was best.
While I was talking to the doctor, Gene took a wrong turn and we were lost. The doctor was unable to help us with directions. He assured me that Aaron was "safe and that nothing was going to happen to him" and that we should take our time and drive carefully so we did not have an accident.
We saw police parked at a pizza shop, and stopped for directions.
When we got to duPont, we did not know what door to go into. It was all very confusing. My cell phone rang again. The doctor wanted to know if Aaron was up to date with his developement, if he does ok in school, or does he have behavioural issues. He said Aaron had said inappropriate things to a nurse, and had threatened to pull her hair out. I assured him this was not at all like my son, and if he would just tell me how to get into the hospital, I would be able to assess what was going on. My son's condition was getting worse, he was scared and had never been without me, other than to go to summer camp, and I could not get into the building to be with him!
We finally found our way into the hospital and had to sign in at the security desk and have our pictures taken. All the while, the anxiety and the need to be with Aaron building up inside me. I felt as though I was going to explode, with little pieces of me showering the entire hospital. Not the sort of way one would explode in anger, but feeling as though my heart was unable to contain the fear and anxiety.
We arrive on the floor, and were asked to wait in the waitingroom. The doctor had just started the proceedure place the line for dialysis, and would come out and talk to us as soon as he was finished.
After a few minutes of waiting, I got up to pace. As I looked out in the hallway, there was a sudden scurry of activity, doctors and nurses rushing in and out of the room where they had Aaron. I told Gene that was not a good sign! No one came to talk to us, we knew something terrible was happening, but did not know what. I decided to walk down the hall, closer to the room.
A nurse stopped me to tell me my son was being rescusitated. The floor seemed to open to swallow me, as my legs became weak and would no longer hold my weight. How could this be happening?! He was always so healthy, he was alert and talking to me only a short while ago! Gene and the nurse helped me back to the waitingroom, and we waited for another lifetime for news of our son.
A lady come in and introduced herself as the director of nursing. She said that Aaron had gone into cardiac arrest shortly after they started anesthesia. They were still doing CPR. I vaguely remember laying down on the floor, and wailing long and sorrowful sounds. Sounds that I was not certain came from my body filled the room. She asked if our son was chronically ill! No!
She told us we had every right to go to our son, but advised against it. We decided it was best to not distract anyone, we wanted them to focus on giving Aaron the best care they could give. After a few minutes, she left us. Gene placed a call to our pastor and left a message with the pastor's family to pray.
I continued to lay with my face down on the floor, crying broken heartedly to the Lord. "Please, don't let Aaron die! Please!" Thoughts were racing through my brain and it was difficult for me to focus, the fear and grief was so strong. I did not know how I could go on. How was I supposed to go on with my life if my son died? How was I going to go home and tell the rest of my children that their brother was no longer alive? I could not bear it!! What if I never saw my son alive again?
When Aaron was a baby and we had him dedicated, someone prophesied over him that one day he would be standing in a crowd, testifying about the great power of the Lord. How could that happen if he were dead?! How could that be fulfilled?!
The Lord spoke to me at one point to gently ask me to trust him more. He said some very personal things, that at this point I am unable to share, some day, when his words are fulfilled, I will be able to share them publicly.
After what seemed to be an eternity, the nurse came back to tell us that our son has a heart beat again! The doctor would be out to speak to us when he could.
The nurse brought us food and drink, telling us that if we did not eat we would be of no help to our son. So we forced food and juice and coffee into our mouths, gagging on every mouthful, telling ourselves that this would somehow be helpful to Aaron.
We were not prepared for what the doctor had to say to us. Our son's heart had stopped about 15 minutes after they gave him the anesthesia to insert the dialysis line. They did CPR for 10-12 minutes. They had him on a vent, and heavily sedated. He had an NG tube and a foley catheter in place. He had numerous IV lines. They would not be able to tell us if Aaron would have neurological damage until they took him off the vent and let the sedation wear off. They could not tell us why he went into renal failure, and cardiac arrest. They believed, at this point, the heart was the primary issue, rather than the kidneys, as they had earlier thought. He did not need dialysis, even though the creatinine levels were very high, the potassium and calcium levels were not. They thought perhaps Aaron had Lyme carditis.
After speaking to the doctor, the nurse told us we could go see Aaron. Gene and I walked down the hall, clingly to each others hands.
I wish I could erase from my minds eye the sight of my son in the hospital bed. His eyes were slightly opened, but vacant, his tongue slightly protruding beside the vent tube.
As I approached his bedside, I grasped his hand. It was cold and stiff, like a corpse. I rubbed his arm and the side of his body, it too was cold. I knelt by his bedside as my legs could no longer support my body. I prayed again. Pleading with the Lord for a miracle. Gene knelt beside me. And we thanked the Lord that Aaron was still alive, and begged for a miracle.
Even though I read your earlier post that he is fine, my heart still aches knowing the pain you must have felt. I appreciate you sharing the goodness of God. I hope this helps others realize that God does hear us and speaks to us. He is with us always.
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